Monologues of the X-Men
by Rosalina Phoenix
Summary: The rantings of our favorite superheroes. Oh, how evil and cruel can Marvel be????
1. Monologue of an X-Man: Cyclops

Disclaimer: I do not own the X-men. Marvel Does. But mark my words, if marvel doesn't start treating them better, I will take the X-men from them. Forcefully, if nessecary.

Authors Note: This is my very first Fanfiction. Cheer for me... I used to read the comics, but stopped about a year ago, although I try and keep up with major plot turns ect. I still watch the cartoon on Fox, and the new X-men Evolution. I like the Fox one better...but that is for another fic. I also *adore* the movie. soo..yeah...hope you enjoy.  
PS: rated PG-13 for foul language and ...erm...unpleasent mental pictures....  
PPS- People, I love all of the x-men. But I'm not nice to quite a few of them in this. So don't hurt me. 

## Monologue of an X-Man: Cyclops

You have to believe me, I really don't like having a stick up my ass. But I can't help the way they characterize me! All Marvel tells me is that I need to be a prick "for the good of the series." So the stick gets shoved up a little farther. Yeah, right. More like "for the good of thier major marketing machine and corporate tool, Wolverine." Cause I just have to be the bad guy.  
I will never understand how Logan is so popular. What happened to women being attracted to gentlemen? Since when is a rude, beerguzzling, commitment phobic, plain old mean guy, a turn on? ::sigh:: It must be that animal part in him. Maybe they think that will make fucking him better or something. ::shrug:: Jean certainly thinks so. Thats probably why she always "has a headache" and is never in bed anymore. Why I hear *those type* of sounds coming form his rooom at night when she isn't with me.   
Jean is another problem. Again, Marvel insists we stay together. Insists we put on the face of "the perfect couple." I know its over, the CEO knows its over, even Jean knows its over, although she won't admit it. She stills need me as a backup fuck when Logan isn't around. I guess I am still attracted to her. Who wouldn't be? I mean..what a body....So I take what I can get.  
You know, I don't even get all the royalties I deserve. Marvel is making ton of money off of my pain, and I'm getting screwed over. As that big ass stick gets bigger with every TV series, movie, and story, so my royalties shrink. Cause they keep adding in these new characters. Not that I don't mind new blood. It would just be helpful if they could weed some old blood too.   
I have a whole list people I want gone. Kitty for instance. The newest incarnation of her is the single most annoying X-man I have ever heard. If I have to hear the word "Like" one more time, I'll blast the TV to hell. Sabretooth. Lets just face it. A villian is only good if he/she is a smart villian. And we don't need anymore Wolverinesque characters running around then is absolutely needed. Jubilee. For similar reasons to Kitty. And I know I'm not the only one on that. Logan is gettting pretty tired of hearing "Wolvie." Toad. The place smells bad enough with Logan, do we need Toad added to that? And I *hate* finding slime in places it shouldn't be. Rogue. Dammit, if I have to be a prick, I'm not going to be called "sugah." And where does she get off thinking that white streak looks good on her? SOMEone needs to get her a decent stylist. Iceman. Its not that smart asses piss me of, but stupid smart asses piss me off. Joseph. Would he just admit that he is Magneto already? This whole amnesia but is starting to tick off everyone. Betsy. I just don't like telepaths in general...and her name? Pyslocke? could she have pick a more difficult name to pronounce?   
Damn. Logan ran off again. Looks like he needs more attention. And now Jean is calling. Oh well...maybe she can help get the stick out of my ass first. 

* * *

Ok..now if you like this, I want to make it into a series. So tell me whose monolouge you want me to write next in a review.


	2. Monologue of an X-Man: NightCrawler

Disclaimer: No...the X-Men aren't mine. And they shouldn't be Marvels either ::grumble::

Authors Note: By popular request, we have the rantings of NightCrawler. I will be using the characterization of him found in X-men Evolution, becuase its easier for that one to rant, with liberties taken. Someone who reviewed my last one gave me the idea of him complaining about Scott and Kitty, and I shall use that, twisted around a bit. Thank you, whoever you are. Also, I will not be putting the accent, becuase I am very bad at writing the accent. So use your imagination. I like to keep these short and sweet, so forgive me for leaving out possible ranting ideas. Thank you! 

## Monologue of an X-Man: Nightcrawler

"Fuzzy Blue Elf." I now have legions of girls running around calling me "fuzzy blue elf." I have hundred of girls after me...not becuase I am handsome, but becuase I am percieved as something akin to a Beanie Baby(tm).

I should have known this would happen.I pissed off the high and mighty execs at Marvel, and now they are punishing me. Punishing me in cruel and unusual ways. But why? Why? I was left out of TWO major X-men franchises!! You'd think that after leaving me out of both the first cartoon AND the movie they could cut me a break. 

I was only doing what anyone else would have done. I am a member of the team! I deserve to be included! You have no idea what this did to my self-esteem.

As if making me a fuzzy blue elf wasn't bad enough...thy had to go and make me a PATHETIC fuzzy blue elf. They just HAD to go for the unrequited love bit. Make me a lovelorn fool trying desperatly to impress a pretty girl. Its not that I don't like Kitty..she is very pretty. But..its tiresome. Getting fan letters that are more filled with pity than anything else.

Of course the omnipotent CEOs at Marvel and WB say I will eventually get her. But until then I have to deal with scenes that include Kitty saying "Like...Scott is like..like just soooooo cute!" While I put on the droopy little face and gaze longingly at her. 

Scott isn't very happy about this either. He is pissed enough with the stick they keep shoving up his butt without having to have a teenage version of Kitty getting all flirty on him. I don't like that either. Kitty liking Scott? Scott just...well..isn't her type. Colossus is her type. Not prick boy Scott.

I should be thankful for one thing...they haven't brought my kinship to Mystique into the cartoon yet*. Poor Rogue has to deal with that for now. Haha. Now she can deal with having a deadbeat mother. I *never* liked that idea. I mean...we aren't in anyway alike, other than in skin/fur color. Although, cinsidering she is a shape-shifter, we could look more alike than I think. Another reason I didn't like that. My mother could be watching me...spying on my social life, and I wouldn't know it.

Oh no....some little 10 year old is out there waving a crudley made stuffed doll (me?) for autographs. Hmph. Fuzzy Blue Elf indeed.

* * *

* I missed some episodes....so excuse me if they have brougt in the mother-son thing.

Next up:Jean....


	3. Monologue of an X-Man: Jean Grey/Phoeni...

Disclaimer: I don't own the X-men. But Marvel shouldn't either ::grumble::

**Author's Note**: Here comes a list of complaints from Jean. This will be a mix of stuff from the movie, comics, and cartoons. Now, by vote count, Gambit should be next, but I wish to save him for last. I'm at a cross between Beast, Colossus, and Shadowcat. So again, I turn to you...who next? 

I decided to take a different approach to Jean...and probably with all future writing. The characterizations shown in all previous X-men media is going out the window. While elements of those characters may creep up, mostly in here they will be different. I'm treating them kinda as if they were actors playing parts and are now complaining about thier studio-Marvel. In truth..I have been kinda doing that all along, to an extent. Thus Jean is rather twisted here. Now sit back. relax, and enjoy the fic.

## Monologue of an X-Man:  
Jean Grey/Phoenix

Perfect. Perfection. "Ms. Perfect." "Mrs. Grey-Summers-Perfect." How much more of this can I take?! I NEED TO MAKE A MISTAKE! A HUGE MIsTAKE!! 

Long ago, Marvel decided to make me the "model student." Well, me and Scott anyways. But Scott is too uptight to be _perfect_. SO the burden fell on me. And I have borne it gratefully. No one hates me, I am mostly well thought of. But it becomes tiring. Which is probably why I started sleeping wiht Logan.

He really is an *animal* in bed. Sooooooo much better than Scott. So much so, that the first time I went to fuck Scott after Logan..I couldn't climax. So I stopped being with Scott. I ruined my "perfection." I stopped being Jean Grey...scientist, devoted wife, mother, and powerful telekinetic/telepath. I became and adultress.

And I reveled in it. Until Marvel got wind of what was happening (I bet Scott told...that jackass). So they turned my sins into the actions "of a woman caught between two men" rep. So now I wasn't a bitch, I was a sympathetic character. It would have been better if I could have divocred Scott....then my marriage would have been a mistake. But no...Now, whnever Logan isn't around, I have to fuck with Scott. Just to prove that I really do love them both. Ug.

I really hate the fact that I got paired up with Scott in the first place. What a bad relationship it was. Me constantly giving, him holding back. MAybe it wasn't him fault. Maybe Marvel is forcing him to act like a prick. In fact, they probably are. But still...why did I have to be his partner? Or better yet...couldn't he have stayed with Madelyn? Did they have to kill her off?

I miss being Dark Phoenix. To be evil...well..I find it quite exhilarating. To kill, hurt...But normal Jean..nononono...she can't do that.

Even when I disobey the Professor in teh movie and use Cerebo..it ends up perfectly ok. No harm done. I even help us find Magneto. 

Ug..that movie. I felt like smacking Famke Jansen. Does she own a bra? If my character has to be perfect, I might as well not dress like a slut. And that annoying little "compassionate cheeleader" bit they have going on in the Evolution series? ::gag::

Truth is, Marvel abuses me more than any other character, no matter how hard they all complain. They have had things take over my mind, "killed" me and stuck me in a pod to be discovered by the Avengers. Now they are making me mourn up in Alaska after my prick of a husband, while my teenage self runs rampant on a saturday morning cartoon. Is that not greater punishment than anything else?

Maybe I shoudl kill someone. Then I'd stop being perfect...

But of course...Marvel would make the victim evil....

* * *

Yes..I know Jean seems twisted in here....but I like it like that.


	4. Monologue of an X-Man: ShadowCat

**Disclaimer:** No I don't own any of the X-men. But neither should Marvel.

**Author's Note:** Sorry this took so long. I was sick and I have midterms coming soon and I couldn't think of any ideas and my computer was down and I was having account trouble. Just alot of things happening to me. Sorry if I got details here wrong, especially with comic book stuff. My memory is giving me problems. I'm gonna do Piotr next, then Beast, Wolverine, Iceman, Rogue, Jubilee, and finally Gambit. Then I have a big story with a lot of parts that includes a new character I made up. Ok, so she's a Mary Sue, but a very interesting Mary Sue. Anyways, I'm having trouble finding time to write, so you may see alot of stuff coming this weekend, cause its a three day weekend, then not alot for a while, and then another spurt. Just telling you all what to expect.

## Monologue of an X-Man: ShadowCat

I woke up on a normal Saturday morning, around 10:15. I fixed some coffee and decided to relax by watching some Saturday morning cartoons. So I turn to WB. And I scream.  
On the screen in front of me is the new X-men show Marvel told me about. They had to get my permission to use my character etc, etc, etc. I forgot, however, to ask how I would be portayed. A mistake that will now haunt me....  
As the stick thin teen (I really look anorexic...) utters the word "like" about 5 times in a 10 word sentence, I feel the urge to phase a chair through the TV and leave it there. I guess since they left Jubilee out of the show they needed another valley girl.....  
This is insane. I was a truly intelligent teenager, a fact they ignore on the show beside a quick remark bout me acing all my classes besides gym. And my vocabulary certainly doesn't betray that. I was the computer genius on the X-men team, and I have yet to see this cartoon creation of myself step near a computer. And why do I have a crush on Scott?!?!?!  
Scott! Prick-boy! Mr.-I-have-a-stick-up-my-ass-the-size-of-a-log!!!! And to have Kurt liking me? Kurt is a PRIEST for Christ's sake--no pun intended.  
Ok, I'm calm now. Yes, I know Kurt isn't a priest on the show. Yes, I know that Scott is slightly...a teeny tiny bit, less uptight on this new show. I just don't like Marvel jerking with my love life--my emotional life--period.  
First there was Piotr. I really felt like a Lolita in that relationship. He was....just..soo much older than me. Granted, Peter was also alot older than me. But I was really young with Piotr. Not so with Peter. If they really wanted to hook us up, they could have waited until I wasn't jailbait. Then Peter. That was just....uck all around. He was...ok...while it lasted...but one had to know from the beginning that there were no long term prospects there.   
Thats just the love life. Marvel screwed with every sort of relationship I had. Like with Illyana. They mad me suffer through her death at the hands of the Legacy Virus. The longest and most painful death possible for a mutant. They did this TO MY BEST FRIEND!  
Then they attacked my mind itself. They had me possesed by Ogun. Granted, I got some useful skills out of that experience, but it was traumatic nonetheless.   
Are they mad at me? For what reason? I didn't complain when the first cartoon came out without me as a lead. I didn't complain when all I had in the movie was a tiny cameo. I didn't complain whenever Marvel fucked with me in the comic strip.  
But dammit, I have the right to complain now! That cartoon may only be the tip of the iceberg, but it just made the iceburg big enough to sink the Titanics that call themselves Marvel....


End file.
